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Sandlewood, Basil and the big tree

The summer season had started it's hibernation into winter and the shift in the ocean smell now was accompanied by cool breezes in the evening nights. On a monday in grade 2 my best friend Sarah had not come to school that day and when the principal had knocked on our classroom door, there was a sadness in his eyes that immediately after talking to the teacher was now more visible on both their faces. She called me outside and my initial thought was I'd been busted, but as soon as the words:"Sylvia I have bad news...... passed her lips my initial worry was my farther who I haven't heard from him in two weeks. "It's Sarah, she was hit by a car on Saturday and I'm sorry to be the one to tell you but Sarah has passed on"

I was a brave for my age, with everything that life had given me; tears and outcries were emotions that I'd learned to release in the privacy on my bed in a dorm room of 8 on a floor of 5 dorm rooms in a boarding school in a overwhelmingly large private school ground.

I looked at my teacher not knowing that life was about to teach me the value of death and just how much it deserves to be feared and needs no learning. The school organized a bus to transport her class mates to her funeral service, my friend Sarah was not going to be my play mate on the school grounds. Her silence was a balance to the crazy kid I was, she planted me down sometimes to conversations that kids schould never talk about or cry about. She would share her family with me and for the last time I was to be there in reminding them that their child was to take leave from their lives.

The bus ride was silent and many thoughts passed through my mind but one kept tugging on the corner of my mind: was she in pain? How did she die exactly? And why had I not felt her death? I felt she was the closest to a sister should I of been given a parade of sisters to choose from, her brown indian skin and long black straight hair would of qualified her as a choice for a sister. I sat in the bus next to my teacher but there was silence as she watched me going through emotions I'd never felt before but I was beginning my journey of learning how to embrace the scents and sounds that brought emotions.

We arrive at her home and the first thing that stands out to me is the huge tree that is large and shades the small house. We are met by Sarah's relative who leads us to the back with a few instructions :"you are not to touch her body she says, later when I grew older I understood why Hindu burials were this way. She was considered a symbol of impurity so minimal contact is allowed. We walked to the back of the house, to the source of the tree, my God it was a beautiful tree, large sturdy and a sign of strength. It was shedding it's leaves to give way to winter. I was so caught up in the beauty of nature I almost walked into my teacher. It wasn't till I looked to the ground of the tree that I saw Sarah.......quite.......peaceful......my friend; my only friend. It wasn't till then that I was aware of just what death was. A mysterious beauty that has surrounded my friend.

We were led to her coffin side to see her, there was a scent that rose from her coffin, that had surrounded all of us under the big tree with my friend Sarah. Looking into her coffin I noticed a gash that hadn't been closed too well that told a story of her death. She was wearing a white dress, she looked like she was asleep and if I could just wake her, then we'd all laugh like it was a joke. I lingered longer than I should have by her coffin that smelled of sandalwood and basil. Looking at her I felt I needed to reach out to her mother, whom I've only met a few times at perants meetings at school. I turned to find her mother behind me, her pain was drawn and etched into her skin and I couldn't move. She stood above me and I could map out her tears and with that the floods of my own emotions opened up. She bent down to get a better view of my face. We were face to face at that point in time as she said to me:"She did not suffer and she loved you as a sister".

My friend Sarah smelling like sandalwood and basil under a beautiful tree saying her last good bye.

I miss being a child for today

Dear Mel

First off let me state just how happy I am that things are Finlay falling into place for you and I watched from the world of Facebook and celebrated with you in private and secrecy. But now that you've discarded yourself from my facebook friend list, I guess there are things I need to get off my chest about the way it all went down, since you're last sms was anger fulled that I couldn't be at your baby shower.

You know the hardships I went through with my job loss and the re-adjustment to my life with losing just about every morsel of "things" that I watched go one by one. When time came to your baby shower I had just secured a job and was battling to made ends meet. When the call came through that a shower was being organised I was excited and arrangements were made for transport for me to be picked up along the way, flip I offered to pitch in for the trip as it was on their route from Joburg, then a day later I get told that no one is available to pick me up. That alone pissed me the fuck off and being stranded to use public transport to get to place I'm not familiar with was even worse, I gave up the trip after getting to Pretoria.

Sitting at the taxi rank with just enuff to get back home and not even a gift in hand....I thought just how out of place I'd look amongst your friends. It hurt me so much that I couldn't be there for my best friend, but made it point that I'd make it up to you. But the next day after you're shower your msg came thru on Whatsapp, saddened that you would think that this was all due to me not wanting to take taxi's to get to your shower. Did you even ask you're friends what the story was??? I got very little pride left after the experience I went through and this letter will probably never reach you cause you never even let me state my case. To you it was a betrayal.......I miss you and will probably miss you for some time to come.

But I accept that yours was a friendship short lived. I just hope you can recall all the favours I did for you and when times were good I was there for you when you most needed me. But you know what it's cool - we both too grown up to be playing these games and life decisions need to be made and I'd hoped and prayed that I could at least get the opportunity to mend things as a friend should. But you took decision and I can respect that and will abide by it. I just hope one day our paths cross and you get to hear the full story. I'm doing better now and still working hard to regain what I once had be it by friends, family and materialistic things. Wishing you and your bundle of joy all the best and all the blessings that this world has to offer - love you my friend.

Good Bye.

Relationships

Alright, and I pause whilst I think about a tactical way to put up this post without creating ripples with my current relationship situation. Like I said prior - I've officially came out of the closet to my mom and one of my closest sister. Their reaction was unexpected - they kinda gave me the so what facial expression.

Fast forward to 5 months later and my mom has pulled away from me, my gf is unemployed and I'm living with her brother as well. Both unemployed and I'm now the sole bread winner. Now you may be pardoned for asking why but we do strange things when we think about love. This is by far the most testing relationship I'd ever been in. I put up with most situations that on previous relationships I might of not handled for even a split second.

Last night we slept worlds apart, he initial thing when getting into bed was go online on her cell phone and giggles were coming from under the bed covers - she flew solo on the comedy punch lines. And I wanted to cry.......how did I land up in this situation yet again. In competition with a cell phone with no love making or sharing about how the day goes. Mind you these issues I've addressed them with her, but my log in my eyes seems bigger when it comes to conforming and changing. I get told - you not clean enuff, u moody too often.........the list is long and I attempt the changes to make her feel like she is the queen of my life. I've traded what little there is of a family life for this woman. This woman who chooses to make her friends top priority at the end of the day and I have to put up with dry seasons that follow months in advance - you know what I mean!!!!

I'm a sexual being who loves and craves the intimacy of sexual intercourse - no laughing!! What is it about long term relationships that turn lovers into stiff sexless animals?? I mean seriously - I have inherited a friend when I need a lover and friend with some heat between the sheets?????? Does it not occur to this woman that there are other woman and men who would give an arm at making me happy.....Ok I'm bitching when there are a few positives about this woman, I just wish she wouldn't change not now - when I"ve inherited her brother and her issues and I feel like these two talk behind my back.....I'm a visitor to my own home and the instructions for bathing and kitchen use grow by the day.

So why not leave you ask? well like I said there are good things and she needs me right now, even thou I've lost family and friends for this situation. There's more to the situation that I can't put up here - she worries too much of what others might think! Hence the lack of writing - it's investigated and interrogated to the last word and maybe this entry will be a suicide for the relationship but where else can I turn? I need advise and practical it needs to be and realistic cause if I hear someone not taking everything into account I'mma burst

Sunday morning thought

Sunday morning I awake with a pressing thought: Today I will not anticipate the worst that is yet to come for I know it comes but thoughts of happiness and emotional flirtation can subdue or prolong it's inevitable arrival.

Ok I clean forgot the entire thang, but I thought it a moment of enlightenment. I'm so bored with this blog I cannot begin to bring to light my issues with it. I' just need a change of writing style to best suite the changes from within. I'm dying to shed the DJ persona. Amazing cause all along I thought this journey was about my inner child and with maturity I'm now seeking to bring more of my inner child out. She hides well from me sulking that I'm embracing adulthood - depressing really.

Ok updates: I now work for an international software's company but with foot in door attitude I may as well be a cleaner with my package. Relationship still going strong but me and mine we have a few issues but I still love her and I still wanna make her happy. She still holds my heart! Yes I said HER!!! d(O_o)b

Music is now subjected to my bedroom walls and I play guitar now - pretty well might I add but still I grow. I spin to my own tune now and feel like my choice is now on the old school kind of house, but oh that first time song still feels good. I wanna return yo spinning, I think that feeling will never die.

All in all - I think I've hung up my crazy hat for a while in search for growth but do we all really know what this life has to offer, sometimes I feel I will never succeed at the profession I am in because my passion has always been bound by music. So I press on waiting for that chance when music finds me and we dwell together in love forever. I need to get my technology sorted so I can start posting my mixes up here - need to ground my playlists within the walls of this blog!

OK Hopefully the new look inspires more writing

thirty is just a number

if I had to be asked where I saw myself by age thirty, 5 years ago, I would of laughed the notion away and braved my self to delivery my half ass'd speach on how I don't fear death.

Push to now and the number still feels unreal, if anything it mind fucks me that I feel like my brain has selectively canceld out a few years of my life and I still feel and most likely look 25. I thank the black jeans in me for that I guess, cause u know that black don't crack. So far this life has been a crazy life, from dj to editor to photographer and now submission to a cubbicle desk job. and truth be told am pushing my emotions to rejoice by force, cause i'm afraid im out of reserve energy to keep trying. Yes I've without doubt said these lines time and time again, but after loosing everything and being without a job, u left on ur own. and your social status takes a dive, your friends shun you, and begging becomes routine. Pardom my logic but suicide came to mind so often, but being the coward I am......i still am not afraid of death in fact I might be yearning it in a frightful way....no I will not seek the bitch out, she will come when things get good again, or maybe dissapointment me as she had time and time again........i need to get to bed or at least toss and turn till my mind is weary of thought......death be not proud

quick hit .....im still alive

been ages since I been here anyway a quick post and hopefuly many more to come..... I lost my job Mikes co and was unemployed, worked the strip club watressin and no.....no nudity on my part. landed new job just recently, excited like u wouldnt believe. Got me a galfriend and came out of the closet with some of the family members, well the ones who could handle it anywa. so im officaly and proudly bi-sexual. lemme stop the post here for now. this is me testin if my mobile phone can handle entries and just how well too......will be back I swear with lots to tell and the journey has changed in so many ways since I hit the dreaded 3 0 never thought id make it to this number........

you best keep checking cause there going to be mad changes to this blog. much love